Taking ownership of how you show up. Who are you being in the world?June 13, 2022
Are you too Judgemental? Part 2. How to be more compassionate.August 15, 2022
Are you working at becoming a more compassionate communicator or are you still too judgemental?
How exactly does one go about becoming a more compassionate communicator? And what’s more, why would you want to?
As a coach helping clients improve their communication and create deeper connections in their lives, one of the key skills I draw attention to is creating awareness around being judgemental.
No one likes being judged by others. And many of us are fantastic at judging ourselves. So if no one likes being judged why is it so many continue to do it to others? And are you consciously aware of how much you judge others and how that affects how others see you in the world?
LEARNING ABOUT JUDGEMENT
Learning to decrease my judgement of others, as well as myself, was a huge step on my learning journey. Changing our relationship with judgement is also something you learn in coach training. But learning to stay out of judgment is not just a coaching skill, it’s a valuable life skill and one that drives deeper connection.
I grew up in a household where everyone was extremely judgemental. I’ve since learned that when we judge others so much we do so as a way to make ourselves feel better. But driving connection with another because you are both judging someone else, isn’t true connection.
Judgment is both external and internal. Learning how to be a more compassionate communicator will mean that you not only need to grow your awareness of when you’re judging others, but when those noisy voices in your head are also judging you.
COACHING ON JUDGEMENT
One of the reasons coaching works is because it’s one of the very few places where you will not experience judgment. When you’re in a conversation where you don’t feel judgement about a decision you made or a thought or feeling you’re having, it empowers you to feel stronger, more confident. When a coaching relationship offers this safe space to be authentically you, you begin to change in a positive way.
Not only does this lack of external judgement help to empower you to feel more confident but it can also help you to become more aware of when you’re judging yourself. A coach points out that self judgement in your language and checks in on how you may want to begin to speak to yourself in a more compassionate way.
LEARNING ABOUT YOUR JUDGE
The first place I began to do my work on judgement was when I read Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine. By learning about our inner judge, it helped to create self awareness to just how often that voice showed up in my head. And because I so despised being judged by others, the mirror couldn’t help but reflect back how much I was doing it to others.
In his book Shirzad speaks about The Judge being the Master Saboteur in all of us, the ring leader of all of our negative voices or saboteurs. The Judge works by “constantly fault finding with ourselves, others and our circumstance. It does so under the pretence of being rational, reasonable and helpful.” Hence why we so often don’t notice it.
When it comes to self judgement it is surprising how many people hold the belief that they are the only ones who judge themselves. You can see an example of this belief when you scroll through your Facebook feed and all you are presented with are happy confident people. (Rarely are there posts with a negative tone or self judgemental nature, leading us to the false belief that others lives must be perfect.)
Shirzad suggests that only by beginning to recognize that judging voice and making a choice to identify and label it in its act of sabotage, can we begin to reduce its power. To be able to turn down the volume, so to speak.
In becoming a more compassionate communicator I took this awareness and began to catch myself whenever I heard myself judging someone else.
“That outfit looks horrible on that woman.” I would say in my head. Or ,” that person is fat” or “ that car or house or yard is ugly.” Once I heard myself think this I would realize I was judging and who was I to say these things about others. How did those things actually affect me? And what purpose was this judgment serving?
When we realize, that more often than not, the situation we are randomly judging has no affect on us and that being that judgemental is only bringing negative thoughts and energy to us, we may then choose to no longer participate in this type of behaviour. This then brings us one step closer to improving our communication skills as we will now be more conscious of judging the one with whom we are speaking, and work to stop.
We often also judge others as a way of making ourselves feel better or superior. How does it sit within you to make yourself feel good at the expense of making another feel bad? If our goal is to be a more compassionate communicator then this is not serving that goal. Nor is it driving connection.
IN PART 2
Next month, in part 2 of this post, I’ll take a look at Marshall Rosenberg’s, (Ph.D.) Non Violent Communication, his views on judgement and how it leads to violent communication.