Are you too Judgemental? Part 2. How to be more compassionate.

How does one know if you are too judgemental?  How might you be more compassionate in your communication by being less judgemental?

In last month’s blog I took a look at my own journey to becoming a less judgemental person. Both towards others and inwards to myself. I shared the first step of that journey was learning more about “The Judge” inside of myself from reading Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine. 

This month I’m diving deeper into the topic of judgement learning from Non Violent Communication, by PhD. Marshall Rosenberg. 

MORALISTIC JUDGEMENTS

One of the reasons many people aren’t great at communication is that we hold moralistic judgements against others. “These imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values,” says Rosenberg. 

Rosenberg goes on to say that, “Such judgments are reflected in language: “The problem with you is that you’re too selfish.”, “She’s lazy.”, “They’re prejudiced.” “It’s inappropriate.” Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparison and diagnoses are all forms of judgement.” 

When we hold the belief that our way is the only right way we are judging others on their morals. When we could instead choose the skill of curiosity. Choosing to learn more rather than to show up in a place of judgement. Curiosity creates connection, judgement drives disconnection. Whether this be with a stranger or our own partner and family, standing in a place of moralistic judgment is going to have you standing alone for a long time. 

From this place of judgment and implied wrongness, “our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting,” says Rosenberg. 

COMPARISON

Last month I spoke about self judgment. In Non Violent Communication you’ll learn that comparison is also a form of judgment. Many of my clients have shared that they are often comparing themselves to others. This perpetuates those feelings of unworthiness, of not being as good as. Comparison is a form of being judgemental to ourselves and it blocks our ability to be compassionate to ourselves. Though you may be practicing being more compassionate to others, are you able to turn the mirror around 360 degrees and offer that same compassion to yourself? 

STOP USING THIS JUDGEMENTAL WORD

When I’m coaching I’ll offer clients a simple tip to help them work towards being less judgemental. Try not to use the word YOU as often.  

Too often when we are frustrated or disappointed with someone we bring out this weapon: “You always,” “You never,” “You didn’t,” “You did.” You is the equivalent or finger pointing or wagging. It’s a surefire way to light the flame on a fire and is the opposite of compassionate communication. 

HOW TO BEGIN TO CHANGE

Working at becoming less judgmental of both self and others is not an easy task, but it can be a worthy one. This type of change in our way of being in the world takes practice, failure and more practice. This is where coaching can support you. If you know your life is lacking the connections you want but aren’t sure how to go about creating those, take a look at how you communicate. 

If you’re a supervisor or  manager and find that you don’t have the relationship with your staff that you wanted, consider taking a look at how you come across to them. Becoming a less judgemental person may be the objective you work towards in a coaching relationship. 

And if you’re not ready to make this change quite yet in your life, don’t worry, I won’t judge you for it. 

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