Improve your Communication. Watch your use of these 4 words.

It was a doozy of an argument. 

I was in full on defensive mode. There were judgements and evaluations of my past behaviours and conversations coming at me from the person I was in dialogue with. And I was not happy. 

Though my back was ramrod straight and my proverbial fists were up in defence, my NVC training kicked in somewhere in the back of my mind.  “I am only going to make things worse if I reply in the same way I am being spoken to.” And so I began to make a more conscious choice. 

THE LANGUAGE OF NON VIOLENCE

NVC stands for Non Violent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg PhD. In it Rosenberg teaches us about the difference between an observation and an evaluation, when we are speaking. 

An evaluation occurs when we add in our own opinion to something. When we use language that adds moralistic judgement to the evaluation of how someone behaved or what they said, we are going to receive defensiveness in return. (Moralistic judgement: implying wrongness or badness on the part of the people who don’t act in harmony with our values) If we make a true observation, stating fact only, not adding in our opinion or moralistic judgement, the response we receive will be far less volatile. (Try replacing judgement with curiosity.) 

The words I was receiving were ones often used in our communication when we are unhappy or upset by something someone has done or said. Words such as: always, never, ever and whenever. Couple any of this with the word “you” and you’ve got the ingredients to start a good old fashioned war. Not the best way to improve your communication. 

OBSERVATIONS VS EVALUATIONS

Rosenberg states that these words are evaluations, not observations, and they can sometimes be used as exaggerations. When used as exaggerations they provide defensiveness rather than compassion. Examples such as:

• You are always busy.
• She is never there when she is needed. 
• Whenever I do this you say that. 
• Why don’t you ever do the right thing?

He provides examples of the difference between an evaluation and an observation:

Evaluation                                                

You seldom do what I want.  

You never listen to me. 

Observation

The last 3 times I initiated an activity, you said you didn’t want to do it. 

Yesterday while I was speaking to you I noticed you were checking phone messages. 

Because I was hearing evaluation, I responded with defensiveness. 

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD 

In order to improve my communication, the conscious choice I made was not to reply or respond with those same words. No use of always, never, ever or whenever and watching my use of the, what I call finger pointing word, you. 

Learning to be a better communicator takes conscious effort and practice, over and over and over again.  As I say to my clients, learning a new skill will mean that you take two steps forward and one step back. But even with that one step back you are still moving forward. The question is, will you keep trying? 

By increasing your awareness of how you choose to start a conversation, or respond to one, you are improving your communication skills. Remember we were taught words in school and the definition of those words, but it is your choice in how and where to use those words and in what tone and intention you choose prior to speaking or writing them. 

What choice will you make? 

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Want to improve your communication skills and need help in being accountable to the change you want? Consider working with me as your coach. 

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