The power of Listening in coaching. Why it makes all the difference.

One of the first things client’s learn when they start coaching is the power of listening. To be in a safe space with another where they do not feel judgement or blame or are being given advice, has them feel heard. 

IMPROVING LISTENING

When a person first begins their coach training they almost immediately see and feel the power of listening to another. By putting aside the need to give advice, by asking open ended questions, ones that can’t be answered with a yes or no, the person being listened to begins to relax and open up. When you see what your listening does for the other person, it’s almost like a little dopamine hit.

In a previous blog I wrote about listening being more about trying to understand the meaning underneath the words. Versus hearing, which is just recognizing the sounds and linking them to the words you already know. But in coach training noticing those words is also an important part of listening. 

Don’t assume you understand what a word means to the person you are speaking to. Example: Success. Oxford dictionary defines success as “the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.” That definition is succinct and clear, but it’s also vague in some ways.  If we are both listening and hearing, we would respond with a curious, open ended question. “I know what success means for me, but what does it mean for you?” 

WHY IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE

By listening, versus simply hearing, it allows you to come at the conversation from a different place. 

By hearing the words only most people tend to respond back with a problem solving approach. Example: words used may have been, hard, hurts, difficult, struggling, uncertainty.  Those words tend to trigger us into “fix it mode”. Oh, they have a problem they can’t solve and they need my help. 

If instead you were to check in with the other person and ask that open ended question that requires them to think and dig, you are actually helping them to find their own answers and as a result possibly changing their perspective.  Here are some examples of open ended questions that don’t try to “fix it”, based on the words used above. (remember to watch your tone and come from a place of curiosity.) 

• What is the struggle here for you?
• What about x is hard for you?
• What piece are you feeling uncertain about?

These type of responses, to what the person has shared, show 3 things, 

1. You were listening to what they were feeling and the emotion.
2. A curiosity with the intent to help them understand their situation more.
3. You weren’t trying to fix their problem.

Number three is often the common response when someone comes to us with a problem. We try to help. But with the above approach you are still helping. You are helping them work through the problem rather than trying to fix it for them. This has them feel stronger, have a sense of ownership and a stronger connection to you because you were valuable to them versus telling the what to do. This is why it makes all the difference. 

BEING COACHED

The power of listening makes all the difference in a relationship, coaching or otherwise. When someone feels we are listening to them, we are driving and building connection. In a world where everyone is feeling so disconnected and alone, the not so simple act of listening to someone will create that connection for you both. 

As therapist Ester Perel has stated many times, “the quality of our lives is determined by the quality of our relationships.” And may I add, the quality of our relationships is determined by the quality of our listening. 

Looking for some further learning about listening?  Check out Esther Perel’s recent talk at SXSW 2024 from 22:00 to 28:00 to learn the affect your listening can have on another.