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Changing perspective on goal setting. Learning to be more self compassionate.
October 30, 2016
Have you ever been in a long term relationship and felt you lost sight of who you are?
I’ve been hearing this complaint a few times over the past month or two from female clients and it got me thinking, how many other women have this habit. “I lose myself when I’m in a relationship, lose my independence. And I end up giving up all the things I like to do. I hate it when I do that. Next time I want to make sure that doesn’t happen.”
Have you ever said this? Have you ever felt like this? I know I did.
During my 24 year marriage I lost myself. I rarely did anything for myself, my spouse and my son came first, and then work. After that I was just too tired, there was too much to do. It was only after my marriage ended and I had time to focus on myself that I discovered that person I had been before I met my husband.
I started to go dancing again, got back into personal growth and began volunteering. I also joined a weekly organization to work on my speaking and leadership skills and overall started to do things for me again. This experience didn’t give me the answer to why we lose sight of who we are but I did learn a few thing along the way to perhaps prevent it from happening again.
BOUNDARIES
One of the first things I noticed with the women that I spoke with was that they didn’t know their own boundaries and they didn’t honor them. When we are clear in our boundaries to both ourselves and our partner it is easier to live by them rather than just professing them.
COMMUNICATE
Work at being a better communicator! If we are not clear to our partners what it is we need then how on earth can they help us! By clear communication I mean getting vulnerable and saying what we are feeling and needing. This is hard I know. I’m still working on it at times. But if you need a Saturday on your own or you need to recharge with a friend versus spend the day with your partner or with the kids, then you need to articulate that, not get upset and pissy when it doesn’t happen. Because remember, it’s not his fault, it’s yours because you didn’t ask for what you needed. He is not a mind reader.
OWN YOUR CHOICE
If you choose to spend the day with him and give up that time for yourself then remember to take responsibility for your choice. We shouldn’t be resenting someone for a choice we made ourselves. Learn to take ownership of your decisions.
PUT YOURSELF FIRST
And finally, be aware when your saboteur/pleaser starts talking to you. If your making your decision to please your partner or the person you are dating, stop and question yourself. It’s important to compromise in a relationship but don’t always compromise with yourself. If you feel you’re always giving in resentment will build to the point of either a fight or the end of the relationship. And he will have no idea what he did to bring on this decision from you.
Not sure how to put some of these ideas into daily practice? Working with a coach on boundaries and how to better express your feelings and needs is a great place to begin. Because remember, “if you always do what you always did you’ll always get what you always got.”
So what patterns are you seeing yourself repeat in your life? And when will you be ready to change something to get a different result? Remember, if. you’re in a long term relationship you don’t have to lose sight of who you are.
