You’re not a great listener. How to get better

“You’re not a good listener.” Have you heard that before? Has a boss, your partner or even one of your children said to you, “you’re not listening to me. “

How can something we have been doing since we were born not be something we are good at? Because we were never actually taught how to do it well.  Instead we have copied what we observed others around us doing.  You heard the words spoken and then reacted. As you got older your experiences began to affect how you heard those words and what we call our listening skills were formed.

It wasn’t until I took my coach training that I even became aware of how to listen versus just hearing what the words being spoken were. This awareness was also an eye opener to me of where I could have improved in my past marriage.

Steven Covey has said, “ Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival – to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated. “

This is what it means to be listened too. These are the results we feel when someone listens and this is why we want others to listen to us.

How to do it

In coach training (CTI) we were taught 3 different levels of listening, here are two of the three.

1. Internal Listening – this is a place of information gathering. It’s where we spend most of our time. We are working on problem solving and we pay attention to your own judgements and opinions. In this space one is self absorbed, allowing their own thoughts to wander to their own issues.

2. Focused Listening – from this place you focus on the words but you are also watching expressions, emotions and the energy. You notice what they say and what they don’t say. This type of listening uses empathy, clarification, collaboration and reflection. You push away your own mind chatter, judgements and opinions. The key to this type of listening is awareness.

Level 1 or Internal Listening is what we actually do all day. Think about being in a conversation with someone.  Have you ever noticed that  you’re focused on when they are going take a breath so you can interject and let them know you can relate to what they are saying? Or maybe you’re waiting to one up them with your own story? Or perhaps you’re  focused on something else you have to do after this person is done speaking. Errands, a phone call, get home, answer an email, never truly putting your full focus on them. You are in Level 1 listening.

Focused Listening, or Level 2 as we call it in coaching, is a practice. It takes a conscious effort to do it by making a choice to do things differently than you have in the past.

How to be more present in your listening

• Learn the skill of empathy.
• Maintain eye contact when the other person is speaking.
• Push away your need to solve their problem.
• Stop your judgemental thoughts by replacing them with curiosity.
• Thank them for sharing with you.

I love psychotherapist Esther Perel’s quote, “The quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships.” By focusing more attention on the skill of listening we can indeed begin to improve the quality of our relationships.

Are you wanting to improve your communication skills and add more meaning to your life? Start by committing to becoming a better listener and watch the quality of your relationships begin to change.

Want support to work on your listening skills? Consider starting a coaching relationship to help you stay accountable to your goal.