Marriage is hard work. Divorce is hard work. Choose your work.

Recently a client shared this quote with me, “Marriage is hard work. Divorce is hard work. Choose your work.” His session focus was on dating as he is a widow and in the past few years has wanted to be in another relationship.

The dating world is a challenging one and in quoting this statement he was reminding himself that regardless of what person he chose to develop a relationship with, this quote was going to be relevant to his journey. 

PAST EXPERIENCE

When I was married, prior to my coaching training, I never paid any attention to actually working on my marriage. It was the 90’s. Self awareness was not on my or my friend groups radar. Working, commuting 1.5 hours a day and raising a child plus maintaining a home was all consuming. And even if I did think about doing it I had no idea where to start or what that even looked like. 

Only when the word divorce entered the conversation, 24 years in, and I reached out to others for support did I learn what it meant to be a better communicator. To be vulnerable and work at how I was showing up in the relationship. Sadly my work was the divorce and that was a heck of a lot more painful and challenging. It was my journey into coaching that helped create awareness as to who I was and wasn’t being. 

AWARENESS

Being in any type of intimate relationship, either a marriage or common-law, takes awareness. Awareness of how we are showing up, or not showing up. Are we listening, being empathetic, respectful, curious, kind or caring? Or are we closed off, resentful, disrespectful and internally focused. When a marriage ends what are the things you most often hear people complain about? 

Jeannie Suk Gersen, a lawyer and mediator, gave a TedTalk entitled, “How understanding divorce can help your marriage.” She speaks to actually dialoguing about your expectations of your partner before major life decisions are made. Such as moving for a job, buying a house, having children/childcare. She suggests looking at the causes of divorce before the relationship gets to that stage.

CONSEQUENCES

Life is full of consequences. If we don’t eat well and exercise our health suffers and we may die younger. If we don’t learn responsibility in life we may never hold down a good job, own a home or be in relationship. Even crossing the street without looking both ways has consequences. 

The consequence of not doing the hard work in your marriage is having to do it in your divorce. Not learning how to communicate, listen deeply, be curious and respectful within your intimate relationship will be a risk to losing that relationship. 

It’s not easy to be aware of our relationship at all times but by having coaching as a part of your personal life journey you are creating continued awareness as to who you are being and how you are showing up. As well as being mindful that by not doing the work you know needs to be done now there will be work you are forced to do later if a divorce is suddenly the place you find yourself in. Marriage is hard work. Divorce is hard work. Choose your work.