The excitement of dating. Can we maintain the initial euphoria?

The excitement of dating, can we maintain the initial euphoria? Being in a new relationship it’s something I’ve often asked myself.  While scrolling Facebook one day I came across a video on just that.  The video states why, scientifically, we are unable to maintain that amazing feeling of euphoria and butterflies we get when we first start dating.

Naturally I was excited to watch this because I have now been in my current relationship for a year and a half and I have to admit there are times when I miss that feeling of elation and excitement and I have wanted to know how I could get it back. So I checked out this video, about why the passion fades.

THE REASON WHY

Sadly what I learned is that we can’t really get it back. Not with the same person and we can’t maintain it either. Turns out if we were able to it would actually wreak havoc on our bodies.

What was cool to learn was that it wasn’t anything I, or my partner, (I want to be clear on that one), was doing wrong.

So, it all begins with hormones and it ends because it is supposed to. That, oddly enough, made it easier for me to accept. It let me know that what I have been pining for is something that I can’t ever get back with my partner. Kind of like being able to go back in time to when you were a kid growing up. But, according to therapist Esther Perel, desire and eroticism are something we need to work on with our partners or it will disappear. So even though things may become comfortable and even boring at times, the reality is that we will always have to work at ensuring there is spice, variety and passion to our relationship.

I coach several clients who are single and dating and I know that deep down they are looking to find this feeling with someone again. The video below is a useful tool to be able to help understand what can happen a few years into a new relationship. Rethink throwing in the towel just because you don’t have that “feeling” anymore.

A MILLENIAL PERSPECTIVE

Many of you know that I have a 22 year old son. He allows me to be his Facebook friend. I like to think it’s because I’m a cool mom. Realistically it has more to do with keeping in touch when he travels away from home. It turns out he actually watched this video when I posted it on my Facebook. So I asked him his opinion, when it come to the excitement of dating, can we maintain the initial euphoria? He commented that he felt the explanation applies to more than just relationships, I asked him to give me an example.

“Pretty much everything, honestly. Like don’t get me wrong I loved being in Japan again and those 3.5 months were great but it was never as “magical” as my first time there in 2012. I still love motorcycle riding but I’ve never had the same feeling as the first time I went on the highway doing 100 km. That was so fun and scary as hell the first time. Now it’s pretty normal. “

After acknowledging his insight I asked him, “I’m curious. Are your experiences the same thing as a new relationship or is it just the difference between us doing something brand new because the habits and neural pathways have not yet been formed in our brains?”

He responded with, “I think it’s probably the exact same thing honestly; being in a new relationship and doing something for the first time. I’m not a scientist but that would be my guess. Those chemicals in your brain are likely caused by new experiences.”(check out the video on this issue at 0:54 where it talks about “new love”.)

CHANGING PERSPECTIVE

Can the same not be true if we inserted the word “new experience” as my son is suggesting? “Over time it just returns to normal, or close to normal. I think that’s a big reason behind nostalgia as well. I don’t know if you’re aware of how nostalgia is a big thing on the internet for 20 something’s right now. They are reminiscing about their childhood in the 90’s. I think a lot of that is because when you’re a kid you have infinitely more “first experiences” and people miss that. “

I had to pause after reading what he had texted me.  He had some really valid points and an excellent perspective I had never considered. For a millennial with not a lot of life experience yet I thought this was some pretty profound thinking.

Save this video as a favourite. When you begin too long for that rush of dopamine and cortisol you used to feel and you think your partner has changed. Remember, it isn’t them or you, it’s science.