It’s a practice, not an emotion!! Learning how to use Empathy

Several weeks ago I was involved in a car accident. I wasn’t physically hurt but I was pretty shaken. My car was drivable and I made it home but this was the fourth fender bender in five years and I was pretty sure my car was going to be written off. On top of that the person who hit me had said a few things that led me to think she may not take ownership of the accident.

Needless to say when my partner got home a half hour after me that night, I was still pretty shaken and worried.

In sharing my experience what I got back was, “Well you’re ok so that’s all that matters, the car can be replaced.” No hug, nothing. Whoa!! That was not what I needed right now, are you kidding me!!! Somewhere in the back of my mind I suddenly recalled the course I was currently taking from Brene Brown where that week’s lesson was on empathy, what it was and what it wasn’t and how it was very different from sympathy.

I realized that what I needed in that moment was empathy.

I wasn’t getting sympathy or empathy and as a result of that I began to get pretty damn defensive and angry. Sympathy, according to Brené Brown, is about feeling for someone, empathy is feeling with someone. Here was the problem, I learned later. My partner didn’t know how to do empathy.

When we both calmed down sometime later what he shared with me was that he had always struggled with the females in his life because he just couldn’t relate to certain emotional things with them, he had nothing to compare it to too try and pull up that feeling so he could relate.

A VISUAL AID

“I’ve got just the thing, “I said and I proceeded to show him this great little cartoon from Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW, to help explain what empathy really looks like.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

IT’S A PRACTICE, NOT AN EMOTION!!

As I sat there watching him watch the video I could see the realization hitting him. “No wonder I struggled with it! Empathy isn’t an emotion, it’s a practice!!!”

So, how do we practice the skill of empathy?

Well one of the first things we need to learn it that you’re not doing it to fix the other person’s problem!!! Take that aspect away and it becomes vastly easier.

There is actually an easy 4 step process to keep in mind when you are trying to show empathy to another person, according to Brené in her book Daring Greatly. And it involves how you show up more than what you actually say.

Here is the mindset to hold when practicing empathy:

1. I’m in it with you.
2. I’m not here to fix you.
3. I’m not here to feel it for you.
4. I’m here to feel it with you and let you know you are not alone.

Showing empathy builds a much deeper connection and that connection to others is what we hunger for. To know we belong, we are worthy of love and that we are lovable. This can be achieved when we are shown empathy.

To be empathic to another also means you are going to have to learn about curiosity. Get curious about what is going on for the other person, pay attention to what is going on for them. Think of it as getting in touch with your inner child, children are amazing at curiosity, because everything is so new to them. Try to be more like that inner child and say, “hey, what’s going on here?”

4 ATTRIBUTES OF EMPATHY

Theresa Wiseman says there are actually 4 Attributes to Empathy. Following this guideline is also another way of being mindful that empathy is a practice, not an emotion.

1. PERSPECTIVE TAKING

– we all see the world through our own lenses. You will never be able to put your lens down to pick up someone else’s. So don’t try. Perspective taking is listening to the truth as other people experience it and acknowledging it as their truth.

2.  STAYING OUT OF JUDGEMENT

– this requires understanding where we are the most vulnerable ourselves to feeling shame. By removing judgement the other person feels heard and understood, your judgement does not serve them, it only gives you something to say.

3.  RECOGNIZE EMOTION

– acknowledge the emotions they are feeling. (Anger, sadness, loss, frustration, etc.)

4. COMMUNICATE EMOTION

– communicate what emotions you are seeing or hearing to the other person. When they brighten up or say, “Yes!” You know your observation is spot on.

Practicing these two concepts by Brené Brown and Theresa Wiseman are helpful ways to become better at showing empathy to others. Want more discussion around where and when to integrate it into your life and to be able to ask for it? Consider being held accountable by a coach.

The next time you sense someone needs empathy, remember, it’s a practice, not an emotion. Our entire world would benefit from some more empathy; why not let the change begin with you?