The truth about going No Contact. You absolutely need too work on these skills.

I recently learned the truth about going No Contact and why you absolutely need to work on communication skills. 

Scrolling through YouTube recently, I caught an episode of the Oprah Podcast. It focused on the growing phenomenon of people in the US going No Contact. No Contact is when a person cuts off ties with a family member, apparently it’s becoming quite common. Oprah quoted a Cornwall University study that shows 1/3 of Americans are actively estranged from a family member. 

As a coach who focuses on communication this topic peaked my interest. I was pretty sure that communication skills were going to play a role in this.

THE STORIES

Several audience members shared their stories about going No Contact with their parents. But there were also audience members who spoke about going no contact with their kids.  

The stories felt justified. But there appeared to me to be an underlying theme of one of the parties having little to no communication skills, ie: the inability to deal with conflict or the lack of desire to. What’s more there appeared to be a lack of awareness of this.

CONFLICT

How to handle conflict was the centre piece of the discussion from the three guest experts. Though all have written books around the topic they each hold a slightly different perspective on the topic. But the over arching commonality was poor communication skills, on the part of both parties. 

Dr. Lindsay Gibson, PhD. Spoke about parents needing to understand or have greater empathy about the world in which their children now live. There is far greater pressure on younger people today with work expectations, some 24/7, financial pressure, cost of living, and the pace at which the world runs. It’s extremely stressful and often our children simply cannot take anymore exceptions or pressure, so they may pull away. 

WORK ON THESE SKILLS

Working with coaching clients who want to improve their communication skills, there are several that I always focus on. And those were addressed by all three experts on the panel. 

• Listening: this is not hearing the words, this is shutting up, taking in and reflecting back what you’re hearing. It’s not about waiting for a pause to throw your next accusation or defensive statement. 

• Vulnerability: call it honesty, openness or being clear it’s all vulnerability. And if both parties aren’t able to bring it, the doors to deeper connection will not open. 

• Empathy: too many of my clients say they are empathetic but as I listen I notice many have no idea how to be truly empathetic. Remember that empathy means you do not discount the other’s feelings. Learn more on that here. 

• Judgement: learn how to drop judgement. This ties into listening and vulnerability. If you are truly listening to what’s not being said and are practicing vulnerability it’s also going to mean that you are placing your judgment on the back burner. 

NOT AN EXCUSE

I’ve held the opinion for many years now that anyone who uses the excuse of, I didn’t know, as a parent, is missing one key thing in their life, curiosity. Nedra Glover Tawwab, a panallist on the podcast, said that yes it is true that adult children today know more about current phrases and have more book learning. But that learning is now available to anyone with the curiosity to seek it out. It’s no longer a valid excuse for parents not to learn anymore. 

REFLECTION IS A MUST

Being able to speak to the person who has chosen to go No Contact is key in resolving the issue. If we are afforded the opportunity to do this then we need to actually listen to the feedback that family member is giving us, so that we can begin to look deeper inside on how we show up in communication and conflict when it occurs. 

Many need to do the hard work of reflecting on who they are being in relationship to others. Asking themselves questions such as, “Why aren’t they coming to me to have this conversation? Do they not feel safe with me? “ 

Dr. Lindsay Gibson stated, “the change agent is the willingness to reflect.” 

This is a skill that is honed when working with a coach. The coaching relationship is the safe space to do this reflecting, to be willing to look at who we are being in communication and how that way of being affects our relationships. It’s also a place to begin changing the pattern, but as Dr. Gibson stated, you must bring that willingness for any change to begin. 

The truth about going No Contact is that both parties absolutely need to work on their communication skills. And from this podcast it sounds like it’s becoming an urgent need.