The secret to being a better listener. Can you hear their need?

Recently I attended a strata council meeting for my mother’s building. It was clear that no one on the council was aware of the secret to being a better listener. 

Attending as non council members a majority of us present there were only allowed to observe. That is until a time on the agenda, near the end of the meeting, where visitor input and questions were allowed. This offered me an excellent opportunity to sit back and observe the dynamic. 

RAISED VOICES AND ANGER

The council had neglected to clearly communicate at the beginning of the meeting, that only they as council members could dialogue on the agenda topics until the open forum at the end. When attendees started asking questions in the middle of the meeting council members began to get frustrated and short with them. It was only at this point that they explained how the meetings run. And, that they didn’t actually have to let the non council members speak. 

If you’ve ever been in a meeting where the dialogue got heated, you understand how this can become embarrassing for others in attendance. (Not to mention for the person being spoken to harshly, as was the case here.) 

As a coach who focuses on communication skills it was painful to watch this occur. I knew that the people asking questions and having concerns were not having their needs met. Hence their responses were ones of anger due to a lack of being heard and understood. This led to strong tones of voice and impatient curt responses, on both sides. 

BODY LANGUAGE 

Not only did the council members not know the secret to being a better listener was to try and hear the speakers need, but several also missed the communication lesson on body language. 

Body language is a key part of communication. Tensions were not eased by council members who did not turn around to actually look at the person speaking and expressing their frustration. Addressing someone’s concern with your back towards them and avoiding eye contact may feel like taking a power stance in the moment, but it actually shows weakness and a lack of courage in being unable to address the person you are speaking to. 

HOW TO BE A BETTER LISTENER

The skill of listening requires that you not just hear the words of another speaker, but also get curious. Getting curious about what’s going on for the other person requires you go deeper than just surface level in a conversation. Can you be curious enough to guess at what has the other person raising their voice or yelling? What has them repeating their concern several times? What is their underlying need that they may not be articulating? 

It takes awareness of our own needs first, to be able to then begin to understand the needs of others. Marshall Rosenberg, in his book Non Violent Communication or NVC, actually created a list of need words. This is an excellent resource to begin to get in touch with your own needs in any given situation and then to relate these words, in conversation, to figure out another needs. 

Here are a few examples from that list: 

• Stability
• Support
• Trust 
• Self expression
• Clarity 

HOLDING MY TONGUE

It was difficult to not speak up during these exchanges and help both parties be better able to understand each others needs and therefore use one of the skills of NVC to help defuse the situation. (I felt a strong need for harmony and balance.)

Unfortunately I had to leave before the end of the meeting so I was unable to observe the open forum or speak to any of the other attendees. It was however another great learning opportunity. Seeing once again how the basic skill of listening in communication can change the entire direction of a conversation. The secret to being a better listener is to getting curious enough to see if you can hear their need. Perhaps leaving a copy of NVC in the building library might be helpful. 🙂