Multitasking. If you can’t do it you’re not alone. Can we stop now?
September 7, 2015
Unhappy in your job? Maybe your Why isn’t in alignment with your company.
November 11, 2015
How to get your expectations met. Have you ever been in this situation before around an expectation?
“You’re always late when we get together, I find that frustrating.” Do you have a friend or a colleague who is always late and you value punctuality? Or maybe they always cancel your plans at the last moment, driving you crazy. You had an expectation, and it didn’t get met.
Have you ever had the courage to talk to your friend about these types of issues? Or do you just stop making the effort and within a short period of time you are no longer in each other’s lives?
Each time I begin working with a new client we actually take time to design what the relationship is going to look like. Ie: we begin by setting up expectations or designing the alliance.
DESIGNING THE ALLIANCE
In simple terms it means defining early on in the relationship what you expect from it and what you will give in return.
Not in your head, but verbally to the other person, in a conversation.
When you choose to consciously design how you want a relationship to be, it will completely change how that relationship functions. By relationship I mean anything; friendship, lover, co-worker, family member. In our daily lives we have a tendency to interact with others based on assumptions of what they are thinking, feeling or wanting. We never take the time to clarify.
Notice one dangerous word in that? Assumptions. What kind of ground is that to begin a relationship on?
When we are clear in the beginning how we want the relationship to look we run a much greater chance of not being disappointed, frustrated or fed up. Better yet the relationship will be stronger, healthier and more reliable. Designing an alliance with another person means that there is something at stake for you both. In a coaching relationship that stake is their growth and development, for you maybe it’s a job or a new in-law or a new friend.
It’s a challenge to state how you want a relationship to be before it really begins. I get it; it’s out of the box thinking, awkward, maybe even weird. But trust me, so worth it.
FIGURING OUT YOUR NEEDS
A good place to start is to look at your values and to share those with the other person. Let me share some of my own values:
- Punctuality: I need you to be on time when we agree to meet.
- Honesty: Tell me the truth and don’t hide things from me.
- Support: I expect my good friends will be there when I reach out for their help and I promise to do the same.
Whatever it looks like for you, share it with this other person. (Remember these are not demands but rather a gentle sharing of needs and wants)
Know also that, once you do this the “alliance” isn’t stagnant. It can change at any time and can be revisited by either party whenever you choose. Don’t forget about acknowledgement in a relationship either. Perhaps you shared that punctuality is important to you, acknowledge the other person when they honor that for you, “I really appreciate that you’re always on time when we meet, I know I can count on you. Thanks.”
IT TAKES COURAGE
Being in a new intimate relationship is a great place to try this. So many new dates don’t work out because we had an expectation of what the other person would say or do and when they didn’t live up to it we dumped them. How can they live up to your expectations, if you never shared with them what you needed in the first place?
The tag line for my coaching business is Courage, Communication, Connection. Setting the parameters of a new relationship or “designing the alliance” take all three of these skills. It takes courage to say what you need in a relationship. Communicating your needs clearly and kindly will result in a deeper connection to the other person.
Think about how you can change the way you connect with others in your life. How might more clearly expressing your needs totally change the relationship?
