How alone are you feeling? Sherry Turkle has some answers to why.
June 8, 2014
Have you lost that lovin feeling? It’s time to change your expectations.
September 7, 2014
It takes courage to make a change.
But it also takes self awareness. Awareness that something needs to be done differently this time. And desire to actually make it happen.
I recently gave a speech at my Toastmasters club entitled 3 Keys to Lasting Change about ways to create some of the changes many of us are wanting in our lives. I thought that I would share those with you this month. Those 3 keys or ways to make a change are:
- Clear Vision
- Limiting Beliefs and how they sabotage us.
- Accountability.
CLEAR VISION
As odd as this may sound many people don’t know what they want in their lives, but they’re quite good at knowing what they don’t want. To create a clear vision of what you want to change, you will have to spend some time thinking about what you really want.
As you think about this also spend time determining what your values are. What drives you, motivates you, turns your crank? Is it family, career, friendship, volunteering, taking risks? Make sure that the vision you create is in line with your values. This is key to feeling fulfilled in life.
Verbalize it!! Don’t keep your vision to yourself. Talk about it, share it. When we start speaking about our vision it becomes more real to us, more tangible. It begins to grow.
LIMITING BELIEF
Almost every time we want to try something different in our lives we are the ones who stop ourselves from doing it. Or we find others to corroborate our story. “Yeah you’re right, that’s too hard or that’s too risky.” Etc, etc.
The current beliefs we hold are often the limiting factor in us getting our feet out of the mud and moving forward. And that belief often is what creates that fear of failure. The key point is to take a closer look at your beliefs, are they holding you back or letting you move ahead in your life?
Here are two powerful quotes that inspire me to always look at my limiting beliefs.
“If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got”. Henry Ford
We cannot expect a different result if we are always doing the same thing. You have GOT TO CHANGE IT UP!!
“The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it” Jordan Belfort
In coaching we use the term saboteur to refer to that negative voice that keep playing the same recording in your head. That’s where those beliefs come from. It’s the saboteur that wants to keep us safe, maintain the status quo. If you can shift your perspective, ie: change that belief that is limiting you in your life, you stand a greater chance of maintaining that change and turning the volume down on the saboteur’s voice.
ACCOUNTABILITY
Accountability is defined as, ” the fact or condition of being held responsible.”
Of being held responsible.
When we are held responsible or accountable for what it is we say we want in our life, it means we actually have to “show up.” We have to do what it is we say we are wanting in our lives. When you’re being held accountable there are often two things missing. There can be no blame…. and there can be no judgement. These are skills a coach brings to a relationship. And when we are not blamed or judged for what we are or are not doing in lives it changes EVERYTHING.
We now have the courage to keep trying. To get up and do it again, because when there isn’t blame or judgment we begin to feel that someone now believes in us. When we have that belief it can feel like permission to believe in ourselves.
Try these 3 steps the next time you want to create a change in your life and make it last.
- Create a Clear Vision of what you are wanting.
- Look at your beliefs and be really curious, how are they sabotaging you?
- Find someone to hold you accountable without blame or judgment. (This is what a coach does.)
Your chances of success will increase dramatically by integrating these practices into your life, and at the very least you will no longer do what you always did and you will no longer be standing in your own way of achieving your goals.
9 Comments
Thanks Lori!
great coach!
Wise words, coach, and well spoken! Our vision has to be clear enough to move forward but not so fixed that we becomes driven and miss opportunities along the way. And as for limiting beliefs, I know from experience that we really do get in our own way a lot! Recognizing it is freeing. And often good for a laugh at our ourselves in hindsight. The clincher is owning what you create and having an accountability buddy! You’ve certainly picked three good ones! Great post!
I also like the three keys that you mention in your first paragraph: Courage, Self-awareness and Desire. Loved the speech and love the post!
Great post Linda! I so agree with everything that you’ve said!
My mother is a prime example of what can happen to you in life if you don’t have the courage to change–For some it feels safer to stay with whats familiar. My mother was pregnant and married at 14, and started smoking at the age of 12…her husband was an alcoholic, and abusive and told her that she was stupid, and no one else would want her. I tried to get her leave him, and quit smoking, but she chose to stick it out in a bad marriage because “she had worked hard and was not going to loose everything”… My father died at 67. She said she felt relief, and she now had the chance to live her life–only problem was that her lungs were now damaged badly by smoking. She was diagnosed with COPD, a progressive, incurable lung disease. –I tried to get her to stop smoking–I phoned her every day, and visited when I could; Dr’s tried; she made a few efforts to appease us by taking anti-smoking meditations–the nicotine patch and Champix, but she would not stop smoking…She had few friends, and no interests, and she now was so tired and weak from the disease that she needed a walker to hang onto to get around. Her only enjoyment was smoking. She had Homemakers assisting her, but her mind was deteriorating and she needed more care. She went into assisted living, but was evicted and had to leave after many warning about her smoking in her room, putting the butts in the garbage etc. She was evicted from a Seniors Home, had her oxygen taken away because she would smoke while wearing it; and finally ended up in Residential Care, where she smuggled in cigarettes into her room and was caught smoking in her room again–they had more capabilities to get her to stop smoking. Which they did, but her health went down hill quickly, her muscles had wasted away, she became bedridden and she recently died at the age of 69 from complications of COPD.
So the moral of the story is don’t wait!!! It takes courage and determination, to leave the familiar and make life altering changes, and you may need moral support from people you trust, but make start working at making changes in your life NOW–don’t wait, or it could be too late!
Reading this ignites my desire to delve into the world of coaching!
I’d like to learn more about the process, and how coaches remain free of judgement.
Thank you for the stimulating post!
Hi Tasha,
If you would like to learn how to remove judgement from your life consider reading Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine. I plan on doing a review of his book on my site but until then take a look at it, it certainly helped me.
Ah, that darn saboteur! You’re right, Linda. It takes so much courage to make a change. This is my year to do “scary things,” and you know what? I am making some incredible headway because I have learned to be uncomfortable. I talk back to my saboteur (who remains nameless), and I’ve taught my nine-year-old to do the same (her saboteur is named “Nervous Nellie). When we talk back to our saboteurs my daughter and I find the clarity and courage to move past the obstacles in our way.
The value of having someone who holds us accountable in a non-judgemental manner is VITAL! I’ve also learned this year that it’s OK to seek out a support circle that doesn’t include family and long-time friends. We need all the support we can get to move forward, and isn’t it wonderful when we discover like-minded people? It ups our own energy exponentially.
Thanks for the encouraging words, Linda! I look forward to more.
Thanks for posting Merideth! How awesome to hear that you are already working with your daughter to give her the skills to be a confident, self sufficient successful woman, I love this!! It also sounds like you are holding her accountable without judgement, what an amazing gift you are giving her. Thanks for taking the time to both read the blog and to post, I always appreciate your support.