As a woman, have you ever wished there was a manual you could read that would finally help you to understand men? One that would tell you why they seem to do frustrating things over and over again?
Men, have you ever felt the same? Does the woman in your life continue to drive you crazy? Are there times when you just don’t get why she does what she does? Do you wish there was some secret formula you could get your hands on to make your life easier with your partner?
Sadly there is no such manual…. or is there? Well I think I’ve found it.
A few years ago I was dating a man who shared with me three chapters of an online book called “The Queen's Code.” Though I thought the story was a bit different at first the content it was teaching had merit. At the time the book was only available in E format and I still like the old fashioned way of holding a book in my hands so I never did read the entire thing. A few months ago the book came up in my life again and I was pleased to see that it was now available in a printed version so I did not hesitate to order it.
“The Queen’s Code” is written by Alison Armstrong who has worked with and studied men, and how they want to be treated by the women in their lives, for more than 20 years. She shares in her story some profound information that can help you as a woman to have a more harmonious relationship with your partner. Because it turns out that many of us women do a fantastic job at bringing out the worst in men.
As I read through the story of Kimberlee and Karen and how they had each approached their relationships with their partners I could see the things I had been doing that, surprise, had not been working so well for me either.
The biggest ah ha moment for me was learning about emasculation. Basically it means that we take a man’s manliness away from him. How many times have you put the man in your life down to his face, or worse yet in front of others? He was being stupid or you felt not thinking clearly and needed to be told how it should be. Are you guilty of being in a group of women and you all jump on the band wagon to put your men down, each having a better story than the next one? What does it get you when you do that? A sense of being right? It seems that as women we believe that we are more perfect than men, we know what needs to be done and how to do it, so when men don’t do whatever it is we wanted done the “right” way we emasculate them for not fitting this perfect person persona.
How do we emasculate? We criticize, complain and compare. Think about the things you say to the men in your life. (This includes your son’s ladies.) Instead use clarity, consistency and appreciation. When we show appreciation it returns energy to the other person. And if you don’t give that energy back to men they can’t produce a result for you again.
As I read The Queen’s Code I started to listen to how I spoke to my partner and yup, Alison was right, I was doing it too. Watch what physically happens when a man is emasculated. He looks dejected, his body physically sinks, shoulders slump, his head may even go down. It’s not pretty and what’s more after reading about this I realized it’s not right and I now work hard to watch what comes out of my mouth when I am speaking to a man.
As I learned more about emasculation I reflected back on an experience I had with my boyfriend last Christmas. We had been together for three months and were at my parent’s home for the holidays. It was my plan to put the winter tires on my car while there as I store them at my parent’s home. My father taught me how to do it myself when I was sixteen and when I was married it was my husband’s job but I had been separated for almost four years and now did it myself every year. On this day my new partner came out to the garage to offer assistance. What did I do? “I don’t need your help, I can do it myself. “ Each time he tried to do something to make the job easier I kept pushing him away verbally. After all I am an independent and fully capable woman, I would show him, I wasn’t a sissy girl worried about breaking a finger nail!!!
Though he never said anything to me that weekend it wasn’t until a few months later as I was reading The Queen’s Code that I realized what I had done. My hand went to my mouth and the light bulb came on. Crap!!! In trying to prove I was fully capable of changing my own tires I had emasculated my partner, flatly refused his wonderful offer of help and essentially had caused some damage in the very young relationship. And I had had no idea; I was only seeing it from my very narrow perspective. I promptly got up from the couch, put my book down and went to apologize for what I had done. That led to a lengthy discussion about emasculation.
Alison also teaches us about something she calls The Hero’s Language. A set of 5 words that when used in conversation with men, and with the right tone and intent, no manipulation or malice ladies or it doesn’t have the same affect, can completely change how they respond to us and the dynamics of our relationship. These words can light them up, build up their self esteem and worthiness and have them want to treat you as a Queen, because essentially you are treating them as a King. You’re going to have to read the book to learn what those words are though, sorry you need the full story to truly understand their impact.
I was so moved by what I learned from this book about communication and relationships that I signed up for Alison’s weekend seminar this fall entitled, “The Queen’s Code Workshop.” It includes a panel of men who candidly answer questions such as, “What do men love and admire about women?”, “What female qualities are irresistible to men?” I can’t wait to hear what insights they have to share with our all female attendees.
As a coach who focuses on courage, communication and connection this book and course are invaluable tools to learn how to integrate more fully all three of these things into my personal and professional relationships and I believe it will do the same for you.
Keep your eye out for a blog post on my experience during the weekend course closer to the end of this year. And in the mean time ladies, do the men in your life a favor, pick up this book and read it, cover to cover, TWICE!!! Because men deserve us at our best, they’ve endured our worst for too long.
Alison A. Armstrong is the creator of the widely acclaimed Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop series and author of Keys to the Kingdom and Making Sense of Men: A Women’s Guide to a Lifetime of Love, Care and Attention from All Men. Alison is a member of the prestigious Transformational Leadership Council and a sought-after speaker in the areas of gender differences, well-being, empowerment, sexuality and relationships. She’s been a leader in transformation since 1982 and is passionate about partnership.