Truth time. I had a massive attack from my saboteurs this week. You may know this as a pity party. You know, the kind where you put on really sad music and sit under a blanket on the couch staring out the window and crying, feeling like a complete failure.
You see my trigger button had been pushed that morning and I wasn’t dealing with it very well.
I’ve been known as a very black and white person at times. The answer is either A or B, there is no C. Life is much simpler if this is the case and making decision is easier as well. It did not work to well for me earlier in life but it came from how I was raised. I believe my ex-husband was the same as I vividly remember him saying to me very early on in our dating, we are either going to get married or we are going to break up, there aren’t any other choices. He was right, on both accounts.
I had actually done a great deal of work around the issue of being black and white, or so I had thought, until my now partner pushed my button by observing that I was quite black and white about certain things in my life.
Hold the phone buddy!!! I’ve done a crap load of work around that what do you mean I’m black and white!! (yes I reacted, that’s what happens when one of your hot buttons gets pushed, where the hell did I place my curiosity???)
I clearly remember the person in my life who had taught me about grey. He was a VP for a major insurance company I once worked for and though I struggled with it I felt I had learned the lesson. Then again in my coach training we were taught about different perspectives, an alternative to A or B, I struggled here too but felt I did make tremendous progress. Mmm, apparently not as well as I had thought…..
After my pity party, an entire Eagles album and a half a box of Kleenex, I had a further conversation with my partner. Or should I say he had a conversation with me.
He got tough with me, told me to stop judging myself, ohh, that one made me take notice. That I was being far too hard on myself, I had made progress on this issue but it was ok if there was still progress to make, still more learning to do and that I was all about learning, I value it highly actually. And that if I could ask that of my coaching clients why could I not do the same of myself? (two steps forward one step back baby)
Sometimes the voice that pushes our hot button can also be the same voice that pulls us back, that gives us the perspective we are unable to come up with on our own.
I know that I can only become a better coach by continuing my own growth. So though the main lesson here may appear that we can always learn more about ourselves and certain aspects of our character, the opposite of judging ourselves is showing compassion, something it seems I still need to do more work on… by changing that lens I choose to look at myself through. Sometimes I just need someone to hand me that other pair of glasses on the table over there.
What lenses are you choosing to see through and how are they stopping you from connecting with others? And have you made friends with self compassion yet?
It’s not always easy to find our courage, sometimes we just have to hit the bottom of the well before we can step into the bucket and pull ourselves back up the rope. So remember, find a little compassion for yourself in the midst of that pity party.